Anonymous female. 21 Years old. Diagnosed Bipolar/Depression
- How do you feel when you are feeling Low/Depressed?
I have [zero] energy, the biggest challenge most mornings is getting out of bed. I can be there ’till as late as 4/5pm before I can muster up the strength to be up and about for a few hours. There is never a positive to any situation, I always dwell on the negatives. I often get feelings of hopelessness, that I see no future for myself. I get dark and unwanted urges and thoughts to commit suicide, the feeling becomes so overwhelming it is difficult to fit the urge to climb the stairs or find a razor blade. This often leads to self harm – a simple rush of pain and adrenaline that calms my mind. I am prone to panic attacks brought on by overwhelming stress, this can cause me to become hysterical, shake, cry, shout and throw things. I sometimes become lost in racing thought that I sometimes put down on paper, I draw rapidly, words, pictures, anything. I am usually unaware I have done this until afterwards. When my depression is at its lowest (baring in mind I am bipolar and not just depressed) I can have hallucinations of whispers that become deafening during a manic phase of depression. I cannot make out the words, it is like white noise, loud in my ears. I get severe headaches. I sometimes hallucinate terrifying images that are not there. I cannot stop my head from pounding. I fight the help from loved ones, physically and cry/scream for long periods of time. More subtle normal levels of continuous crying happen more often in normal states. - Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?
Yes. - If yes, what were they? (i.e How and Why?)
Because of my condition my thoughts can be rapid and unpredictable. I have many suicidal thoughts and have attempted suicide 4 times. The first, I attempted to walk in front of a train. The second and third, to slit my throat with a razor blade. The fourth, to jump from the top of my staircase. At the time I am usually in a manic state of depression, I sometimes have no recollection of the things I have done or attempted. I am too hysterical to think straight. The way in which suicide was attempted was usually based on where I was at the time and the supplies on offer to me. - Do you feel that people look at you differently when they know that you are depressed or have attempted suicide?
Yes, I find people tend to be more cautious around you or become overly concerned with your wellbeing. I get asked am I okay more times than a priest prays.
However, close family and friends can be really supportive and if it wasn’t for their emotional and physical intervention at times I would probably not be alive. I find people around you take on a new strength. - Describe, in any way you wish, what is depression to you. What does the word mean to you? How do the thoughts, feelings and the stigma behind it affect you?
I think depression, like any other disorder is a sickness of the mind. I think the way society is today in many different ways pushes a persons mental ability beyond its capacity causing depression, anxiety etc. An overworked mind becomes a sick mind.
The mind is just as delicate as any other body part. There is cases, like myself, who are born with a chemical imbalance in the brain that develops slowly overtime, this is unavoidable and for me is the main cause for my sometimes extreme bouts of depression. But overall it is an ill mind in need of care. - What makes you feel Low/Depressed/Suicidal?
Stressful situations, emotional imbalance, not taking my medication, alcohol, breakdown in relationships [of both] family and friends, complicated process’ I don’t understand, arguments, rumours, being misunderstood by society, watching others live life normally and wishing I was them. - Have you sought help?
Yes, many times. I am on a variety of medications and see a psychologist regularly. In times of deep distress I call the local crash team. - Does anyone know how you feel? Have you told parent, friends, teachers etc.?
Yes. All my family, close friends and University tutors are aware of my condition as it can be so severe. - If yes, how did you tell them?
I told my family one day during my second year at University when I had a meltdown and wanted t kill myself. I had no choice but to ring and ask them to help me asap. After seeing doctors and getting a diagnosis I informed other family members via the phone and told close friends in person. I informed University again in person. - Do you have someone you can specifically talk to about your illness?
I can talk to my auntie Carole more than anyone about my problems, she also had bipolar and understands more than anyone the difficulties I face, however in deeper times of stress and upset I can call my mother and my boyfriend to talk to and can count on them to be there in person as soon as possible to help me. - How do you feel about the word ‘disease’ when talking about depression?
I do not like this term. I understand that depression is an illness of the mind but I do not class it as a disease. A disease implies an outbreak of madness that is uncontrollable and threatening society, however an illness of the mind, to me, implies a curable state of illogical thinking.