Anonymous female. 21 Years Old. Undiagnosed.
- How do you feel when you are feeling low/depressed?
Empty, but not, it’s hard to write down. It’s like my body’s empty but my brains heavy. The worlds running but I’m frozen. It’s a bitter sensation. I get angry. So angry. I feel worthless. I crave human contact but as soon as I get it burns. It’s the same feeling you get when your dad says ‘I’m disappointed in you’ But it lasts. And often there’s no trigger. Nothing to fix. Nothing to put your attention towards. When I get in this state no one can pull me out. Only time. Some very unhealthy coping mechanism too but even then. The more you use them the more they become useless. And you feel useless for doing them. It just plunges you in deeper. So you go back to them to try and bring yourself back up. It’s often described as drowning. And I get that. But for me it feels like being behind a two may mirror. Seeing everything but never interacting. Like the negativity is burring every single good part of me. - Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?
Yes - If yes, what were they? (i.e. how and why?)
I’m not quite sure why. They have been fleeting. Never long in my brain, but they hang over me for days. I’m just tired. I just remember feeling so tired. All the energy drained out of me. Isolation worthlessness. Just wanting everything to stop for two minutes, and it feels like such an easy way to achieve that. It’s NOT, I know it’s not. I want to make that very clear. When you snap out of it your remember everything that keeps you going. I’m very lucky. Lucky I have that. It is what keeps the thoughts, the one of occurrences as just that. Thoughts and never attempts. I am writing this with a clear head it’s weird. Because it seems as alien to me as it would do to someone else who has never been in that head space. But when your there it’s not. When your that low it seems a simple step to make. - Do you feel that people look at you differently when they know that you are depressed or have attempted suicide?
I think for a time they do. But it’s natural. It’s mostly concern, and then 10 minutes later there fine. Or they ae hiding it very well. - Describe, in any way you wish, what is depression to you? What does the word mean to you, what does the thoughts, feelings and stigma behind it make you feel?
The word itself doesn’t mean anything. It’s a word used to describe a feeling that takes a million words to describe. But if it helps people come to terms with it then by all mean use it. - What makes you feel low/depressed/suicidal?
Failure, mostly but sometimes it’s nothing. It doesn’t always have a cause. - Have you ever sought help?
Yes - Does anyone know how you feel? Have you told parents, friends, teachers etc.?
Some friends/ councillor
I don’t shout it from the root tops if people ask I tell. - If yes, how did you tell them?
Causal conversation. I believe that making it not a stigma helps so I don’t hide it. - Do you have someone who you can talk to about your illness?
Yes - How do you feel about the word ‘disease’ when talking about depression?
I don’t. It’s not a pathogen. it’s not an outside virus attacking your body. It your own body producing chemicals which could kill you. Disease doesn’t fit.