Anonymous female. 20 Years Old. Undiagnosed.
- How do you feel when you are feeling low/depressed?
I hate myself. No, in fact I despise myself. I don’t see the point in anything, in getting out of bed, in making anything to eat, in smiling or even waking up. Most mornings I just lie in bed and wonder, ‘would anyone care if I just didn’t move today? What is the point?’ and what is the point? is a question I ask myself a lot. When I am low I feel as though the world is against me, like everyone hates me and they’re only being nice to me because they pity me and because they’re too nice to say ‘no’. I pull myself down so much that I have panic attacks and spend night after night crying myself to sleep because I know no one likes me. When I was younger, when I felt low, I used to ‘punish’ myself. When it was winter I used to lie on the top of my bed in shorts and a crop top with my fan on and my window open and would spend the night freezing myself. In the summer I would just starve myself. I never saw it as self-harming but as I grew up I realised that it is. Not in a sense of physically hurting myself but in a sense of, I was neglecting myself and removing two things I needed to keep myself alive and happy: warmth and food. I also used to unconsciously scratch myself until I bled, though this was an unconscious act, I never realised I was doing it until it was too late. Even now I still feel bad for eating food. I feel as though I do not deserve to eat chocolate or bread and I’m sat here eating some grapes right now and I just want to cry because I don’t see the point. Why am I eating nice food? I don’t deserve to. Now I just punch a pillow as when I am feeling low I have so much anger and hate and find that the only way I am able to deal with it is if I release that ‘energy’ by crying or hitting something. I can’t look in the mirror when I’m down and I can’t speak to people. I’m hopeless, helpless, weak and disposable. Everything is my fault. - Have you ever had suicidal thoughts?
Yes - If yes, what were they? (i.e. how and why?)
I have them often even now. I want to shoot myself because it’s a quick and relatively painless death, however I have daydreamed about stabbing myself and have tried to drown myself and suffocate myself in the past. I didn’t believe I deserved a quick death. I was once, relatively recently very close to ending my life, however, just by chance my flatmate was in the corridor as I went to the kitchen to stab myself. I only get that low when I feel there really is nothing to live for. When I see no future for myself and when I’ve hurt people or they don’t want me around. When I’ve had a couple of bad weeks where stress has just lead me to feel as though nothing is here for me anymore. - Do you feel that people look at you differently when they know that you are depressed or have attempted suicide?
No one truly knows the extent of my ‘depression’ or anything about how I feel but I do feel it depends who they are and what they have been through. I have a friend who has never experienced depression, anxiety or anything like that and she just doesn’t understand it, constantly questioning me about why? Why? Why? Why? She just doesn’t get it and is always trying to rationalise it, making me feel like I’m just so wrong. However, my friends who have experienced/have some form of anxiety are easier to talk to and don’t see me in any other way than as me. - Describe, in any way you wish, what is depression to you? What does the word mean to you, what does the thoughts, feelings and stigma behind it make you feel?
The word depression makes me feel sad. It reminds me of the many years I had to deal with my mother being depressed, knowing that I couldn’t do anything to help her. It’s a scary word but shouldn’t be feared. To me, depression is a like a broken circle. You’re just missing that connection, there’s a piece of you that’s missing but you can be fixed, It just takes time and patience. I hate the stigma behind it. People don’t understand what it is and when someone has attempted suicide there is a feeling of fear around people that they have to tread carefully when talking to them because they may trigger it to happen again. The world is slowly coming to accept depression however, there are still those that are like ‘everyone gets depressed at some point in their lives. Get over it.’ - What makes you feel low/depressed/suicidal?
I make myself feel low. I hate myself. I was bullied really badly as a child and it has affected me so much. I am a shell of who I used to be. I hate the way I look, the way I dress, the way a sound, walk, everything. I have really bad paranoia and im constantly very aware that people are looking at me or talking about me, or at least I presume they are. Like now, for example, my flatmates are in the kitchen laughing and i have this doubt, the little voice in my head telling me that they might be laughing at me.
I also have very bad jealousy. Someone who is prettier than me or more intelligent is someone that I hate, because they have everything I don’t. When I look at myself in the mirror without make-up on I instantly switch from whatever mood I was in and I can just stand there and stare at myself with disgust which brings me on to thinking about how everyone would be better without me in their lives and how if I died, it would be so much better for everyone. Silly things like fancying someone who doesn’t like me back or when someone makes a joke about me but I take it seriously can hurt me as my paranoia makes me think that they didn’t actually mean it as a joke. Growing up with being bullied in a number of different ways about one thing leads you to truly believe that you’re not worth it. - Have you ever sought help?
No, never. - Does anyone know how you feel? Have you told parents, friends, teachers etc.?
No. I have never told anyone the true extent of my self-loathing and ‘depression’. They would look at me differently and I don’t want to burden them or annoy them with my problems and worries when they don’t really care. And they’ll just think I’m attention seeking. - If yes, how did you tell them? —
- Do you have someone who you can talk to about your illness?
I talk to my flatmate about some things and I have a long distance best friend who I tell virtually everything to however, when I am super down the only person I can talk to is my future self by writing all my feelings and thoughts in a diary. I also talk to my childhood teddy bear. Talking about it helps, and with a diary and a bear, I’m not making anyone go out of their way or bothering them. - How do you feel about the word ‘disease’ when talking about depression?
I hate it. To me the word disease means something that is contagious. Depression is not contagious. Anxiety or any form of mental illness is not contagious or infectious and saying that it is stops people from going up to someone with a mental health problem, leaving them to be alone and feel like they really are the problem. No one should feel alone.